Saturday, May 24, 2014

Over and over, I've gotten asked by my family an' friends ta channel my thoughts into a blog as a way to cope with all the pain and chaos I go through and well... I give in.
You really want to know what it's like to be the brother of a drug addict... to be so scared that you hide from even your own humanity....
My name..... just call me Meowth.
My brother is a drug addict. Has been for a good many years.
And it's my fault.
I was born with autism that left it so my mom and dad had to devote nearly all their time to therapies and doctors... all for me... and leaving my little brother in the cold.
My mom keeps saying this isn't my fault, that our godmother doted on him and he made these choices himself...
But I know the truth.
This is his way of dealing with the fact that he's got a mental cripple for a brother.
I struggle with speech, my mental state is that of a little kid, I've got severe manic-depression.... I couldn't be the role model he needed.... instead all I was was just a burden and a reminder to him that he's got a screwup for a brother.
No matter how many doctors, parents, everyone... no matter how much they tell me it's not my fault.... I know it is.
I would give anything if I could turn back time, take my brother in my arms, and tell him I'm sorry I wasn't able to be a better sibling... that I was so screwed up that I could barely handle myself.
To get rid of the gnawing pain that eats at my stomach, and at my soul....
I don't know what else I can say but...... I'm sorry.

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